Innocence

My innocence has been my savior, allowing me to commit the worst crimes and say some unbelievable lies, and still being able to get away with it. However, I’m not as innocent as I seem. My tone might be soft, my eyes might glow, and my cheeks might flush, but in no way am I innocent. I’ve tried showing people my true self, but despite my efforts, everyone only sees the person I was; a girl who was incapable of inflicting pain on others. All of that has changed the moment I had led him on, giving him all the signs, he needed to advance, only then to turn around and walk out the door like we never met. 

Our story goes way back, to a time in which my eyes could only register black and white. There is no clear line that can indicate when things had begun and ended; it was rather a situation that suddenly appeared and disappeared into thin air. Taking away my breath only then to blow it back in my face, throwing me into a spiral of the consequences of my miscalculated actions and words. But here is the thing about miscalculations, it just happens with no warnings or signs to inform us when the tide gets stronger and the waves larger. It just lets us go until we find ourselves drowning in regrets with no way back out. 

Deep down, I knew that there might be some consequences for being emotionally closed off, but I never thought it would lead me to having constant nights thinking about a person and the what ifs of a situation. But here I am now, still writing, thinking, and listening to songs that remind me of a guy I had led on 2 years ago when I believed I was ready to finally open up to others. However, I was too young to ever fully comprehend what was going on in my own head and where those feelings actually stemmed from. 

Despite all the doubts that clouded my head, I stayed. Always saying the right things and acting the right way got him more attached by the day, tying our knot as tight as possible, only then to untangle it at night when I was bored and no longer interested. I was selfish placing my needs and not considering his, when all he wanted was love, while I just needed company and entertainment. 

My innocence has been my savior, allowing me to hide behind a persona that I really sam not and protecting me from the harsh consequences of my actions. However, it will never overpower the feeling of guilt that lives inside of me, eating me alive day by day for walking away from someone I love only because I was not ready to be loved.