Love and Food: Resonating with Lee Chang Rae’s ‘Coming Home Again’

Recently, I had the opportunity to read Lee Chang Rae’s essay “Coming Home Again”. The essay narrates Chang Rae’s move back home after his mother got diagnosed with stomach cancer. He takes you on a non-linear journey multiple flashbacks of his youth are intertwined with moments of bitter reality. It is interesting to see the mother and son dynamics played out from early childhood to young adulthood. Lee Chang Rae focuses a lot on food, and it quickly become apparent that his household places a lot of significance on food and cooking, especially his mother. This is why it is so significantly gut-wrenching that she gets stomach cancer. It is a profound essay – his intelligent use of language, the charming food descriptions, simple and unabashed love for food and his mother. At moment, his writing style turns into a lovable wordplay using food terminology – “blandishments of a spoiled son”, “sate with the phantom warmth”.

As I was reading, I found myself relating to some of his experiences. I know that the nature of a child-parent relationship is turbulent. I had my fair share of instances. Maybe part of the reason I feel so intrigued and touched by the essay is because he wrote it when he was around my age. As a teenager, he wrote about his frustrations with his mom. He sees her life as small and limited by the walls of their house. A few years ago, I was having similar thoughts about my own mother. As soon as I processed his words, I realised how far ahead I have gotten from the person I was when I was that age. I was frustrated too, most of the time, she was a parent, and a teacher but rarely just a person. She was always two steps ahead of me and I was agitated at her inability to just take it easy (oh you poor child, if only you knew what’s to come). In his memories, Chang Rae recalls his mother constantly dismissing her own achievements and qualities while always praising those of his father. Another memory shakes up my body – my mother not giving herself enough credit. It is hard to navigate relationships when you are a teenager. The ones you take for granted are even harder. I’m always myself and carry love for my mother, but I was also brutal and stuck up growing up. For Chang Rae, food is important, it’s the connection to his mother, she has always cooked for him, and in times when she struggles to express herself, she cooks. It’s her love language. I have become gentler and more perceptive over the years. My mom doesn’t cook but I am able to notice the little things. I just wished I saw them earlier.