The Dark Times

Unfortunately, summer has come to an end. Leaves turn into a different color and slowly fall on the ground. I see the wind blow those leaves to an unknown destiny and I feel the same. No idea where I have to go in life. I feel like right now I wander through the most difficult maze. All I see are grey skies and empty trees which represent the feeling inside me. Me who can’t shed a tear because I already cried enough. The pain that exists out of grief, feeling guilty, ashamed and loneliness. The grey skies cry for the people that are unable to. The same goes for me and I think why oh why did this happen to me? Oh, what a day. I wake up at 7am and all I see when looking outside is darkness The only light in this period comes from the lampposts outside trying to make it bright. I slowly travel to university, and I try to make it through the day. That is the only goal that I have. It is 6 pm, I go back home, and I see the same. The dark dark sky, where is the light? I know that I feel this way because it is that specific time of the year again. The winter depression appears, and I already feel it. Every year I have this winter depression, even vitamin D was too weak to help me survive. A nagging feeling inside of me, wanting to go back to summer. Wanting to go back to the good times. Does anyone have a time machine? Every thought goes through my head like bolts of lightning that even my brain can’t process. You have to do better, you are a failure, you won’t pass your exam, what if you don’t succeed? The voice in my head that speaks. Saying things that make me feel weak. But then another voice speaks up which takes me back to the good times, the things that made me happy. The things that made me shine bright, that even lampposts weren’t necessary anymore when it was dark. Unfortunately, they are gone for now and are buried deep inside of me. Sometimes it slips out for a couple of minutes when I think back about that time where everything was amazing. Then they hide again, and I get back to reality. I look around again and I see that I am not the only one dealing with stuff like grief, sadness, anger, shame, and untold pain. Analyzing people to the bone is one of my favorite things to do, especially during winter depression. Looking at them and knowing exactly how they are feeling, how they feel the same as me. It makes me feel at peace, to know that I am not the only one dealing with grief. This all sounds too depressing, but luckily, I have two friends that help me go through difficult times. The names are music and a headphone. I listen to music every day, I close my eyes, and I forget the pain. Before I know it, winter depression is gone and there will be a lot of sun… hopefully.